I muffed it. Please don't tell me I didn't because I did. And now I have to deal with that.
I was singing for dear friends as they renewed their vows. And I forgot the words. Not emotion, not nervousness. I muffed it.
Then I came off the stage and my teenager decided that was the time for some "constructive" criticism.
My first thought was, "I miss Keith." Weddings are hard enough, but without my biggest fan there when I sing, it almost seems more trouble than it's worth.
Perhaps if Keith was here, it would not have happened the way it did. If he was still here, I would not be in this over-committed position. He was so good at knowing my limits, and he was good at telling me, in a loving way, when I had reached them. He caught me most of the time before I was over-committed and stressed and muffed things. That is one of the things I miss most.
It is harder to hear from God. It is harder to have my ears attuned to the Heavenly voice of my Father and the Lover of my soul. It shouldn't be, but it is. I take back my life, feeling like I am in control and in charge and can handle adding one more thing. I feel like Super-Woman!
Then I fail. I feel like dirt on the back of a flea. I don't forgive myself easily.
Why is it that forgiving yourself is so hard? Why do I hold myself to standards that even the Lord does not hold me to? He knows I am not perfect. He knows that I will continue to sin, continue to be human. He made me that way.
Why? Why did He make me so frail, so prone to fail? So prone to overstep, over-commit?
One of my favorite lines in the movie "Facing the Giants" (http://www.facingthegiants.com/home) comes from the young kicker, David, who asks why God made him so small and weak. His father answers that then He can show how mighty He is. Maybe that is why.
Maybe it is to keep me humble and close to Him.
Maybe it is to give me a gentle nudge, since Keith is not here, that it is time to slow down, that I have taken on too much.
Maybe it is to show me just how much He loves me.
I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore, I have continued to extend faithful love to you. Again I will build you so that you will be rebuilt, Virgin Israel. You will take up your tambourines again and go out in joyful dancing.-Jeremiah 31:3b-4