I am not Amazing

It's funny.  Since Keith died, I get the comments, "you're amazing" and "you are so strong" a lot.  It is very sweet of people to say, but inwardly I cannot help but snort.  I am far from amazing, and, some days, I am the antithesis of strong.

Some days, more than I would like to count, my life, my attitude, is much less than amazing.  Some days I scream in frustration at the mess in the house, and the children in my house who made it.  Some days I cry angry tears of over spilled milk and broken light fixtures.  Some days school contains more words spoken in an angry tone than in an uplifting one.  Some days I want to just retreat, curl up in a ball and wait for the day to be over.  That's reality.

I am not amazing.  I am human.  Sometimes much too much so!  If I have done anything right in this whole journey of grief, if I have any advice to give, it is this:  let God be God.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13) may seem trite to some...until you try living that way.

Dressing your four young sons for their daddy's funeral...I can do all things...

 Continuing to homeschool with no break and no "principal"...I can do all things...

Celebrating birthdays and holidays and milestones...I can do all things...

Teaching young men to be men of God in the image of their dad and their Father...I can do all things...

I could go on, but the point is this:  I do nothing here, nothing, but surrender.  God has a plan and a purpose and, really, I am along for the ride.  And it will be a wonderful and beautiful and joyous ride as long as I don't try to take over the driving on my own.  Instead, I wait for directions.  I pray and I pray, and I often fail and make a total mess of things, taking them back from God and trying to do them on my own.  But, I keep trying, and God keeps being gracious.  Praise Him for that.  Hallelujah!

So, my standard answer when someone says I am strong or amazing:  "No, I'm not, but God is!"